Birds of a Feather Flock Together

One of the biggest issues I have run into with infertility is friends.

Let me clarify.

As members of the infertility “club” know, when finally feeling comfortable enough to tell friends about infertility, we don't always receive the most comforting responses.

“Just relax and go on a vacation. It'll happen after that.”

“You can adopt!”

“I know somebody that put adoption papers in and got pregnant right after that.”

“Pray harder.”

And the list goes on. Bless people's souls for attempting to say something comforting, but we have all heard some sort of response that makes us want to slap that person for acting like they know how to solve the problem.

They can't help it.

You being infertile is the closest some people will ever come to understanding what the life of an infertile person is all about.

And sometimes, that brings problems.

Some people will not know what to say to you anymore because they cannot relate to you. Some people will shower a little too much sympathy on you. Some people will avoid talking about certain topics around you because they don't know how you will react. And thank goodness for those few souls that treat you just the same as before, yet also somehow figure out the balance of being a support to you in those times when you are feeling especially low about your situation.

And then they have kids.

For me, I have grown up with a religion that strongly focuses on families, which is great. I believe that the family needs to be the strongest unit in the world. Without the family unit, our world will collapse.

But, when everyone else is having kids, and you are not, conversations become a lot more awkward. You find you have nothing to talk about anymore because you are almost in “a different stage” in life than your friends. They have 3 kids and want to talk about “mommy” things and you have no kids and don't know anything about “mommy” things. You find that over time, you lose contact with these people simply because you don't know how to interact with them anymore.

This rang true for me last week when my husband and I went to a barbecue at someone's house from our church. They had also invited two other couples, so there were four of us. Two out of the four couples had kids, and the other two couples did not have kids. I was in the kitchen throwing something away at some point and the other wife of the couple with no kids asked if we wanted to play games sometime because it would be easier with couples that “didn't have kids.”

Though I didn't want to be in that “don't have kids” category, I understood what she was saying. Though it is possible, it is hard to form a lasting friendship with those in different situations than we are just because we have a hard time understanding each others situations.

When I learn that someone is struggling with infertility or has struggled with infertility in the past, I automatically feel a bond with them even though I may not know them yet. Even if that person has somehow overcome the infertility problem and has kids, they know how to interact with you. They know what is appropriate to say and they know how much they should talk to you about your situation.

These are the people we generally “flock” with.

Interestingly enough, as I have struggled with infertility, I have started to see the world from a different perspective. Though I don't understand all trials and afflictions that people go through, I am a lot slower to judge and a lot more careful about what I say to people and how I treat them. When I look at the world in this perspective, I find that it is easier for me to find friends and “bond” with them. It is definitely a learning process, but I am grateful that infertility has taught me to slow down a little bit to understand what people around me are going through.

Lesson learned: 

Slow down and try to put yourself in the shoes of the people that are suffering around you. You may find that you have more in common with them than you thought.

Timing

Timing is everything.



I hate having to admit and accept that.



I happen to be one of the most impatient people on the planet. As a teenager, I would get extremely annoyed and impatient with my family when I felt like we were going to be late to something.



Have I improved at all as I have “grown up”?



It's hard for me to tell. Even now, if I am sitting in a meeting, if the meeting goes only 1 minute overtime, I feel anxious and annoyed that it has not ended yet. Also, when I know that I am going to be late to something, I have a hard time “letting it go.”



How does this relate to infertility?



I believe that infertile couples go through a cycle of patience and impatience. And yes, I mean a cycle.

Sometimes, I feel like I am doing awesome with the being-patient-with-infertility-thing. I trust in God, I am happy with who I am and what I am doing with my life even though I am not living my dream of being a mother.



On other days...



I get upset with my life because I don't understand why I can't have any children when my best friend or my sister-in-law has been married approximately the same amount of time as I have, and already has 3 children. Sometimes, those are the days I get my period. Sometimes, those are the days when I go to church and see all the little kids. Sometimes it's “just because.” It's not usually a consistent thing.



So what does this have to do with timing?



I have thought a lot about this, especially during my “stronger” moments. Understanding the timing of events that occur in your life is a very personal thing and really is between you, your husband, and God. Sometimes we won't understand all of this timing stuff until much later on in our lives, but if we ignore this concept, infertility will take over our lives.



We must take what we have in our lives and run with it – don't just go for it – RUN! Get more of an education, get a good job, learn new hobbies, enjoy traveling, get more sleep, take care of your body, become a better person – Enjoy this time you are living!



Lesson learned: 

Enjoy living life! Have faith that God's timing in this “infertility thing” is right for you.

Welcome to the Ride

So I created this blog over 2 months ago, and then never posted on it.  Have I thought about it?  Yes.  Have I started a post entry?  Absolutely.

So, what's the deal?  

I have come to one reason, really.  

Fear.  

I have chosen to write this blog so I can share what I have learned from my infertility experience.  I hope to bring hope to those who are struggling with this same experience.  I hope that I can help others see that there are great life lessons to be learned while going through this challenge.

But what if people don't appreciate what I have learned?  

I am also a very religious person.  In fact, my belief in God and Christ has probably been the reason I have been able to view this challenge with a "learning attitude."  I fear that people that may not share my beliefs may attack or not appreciate my views.  I hope that whether you are a religious person or not, you can still relate to what I share.  (Please be nice!!)

So, I have come to the decision to go forth with this blog as I have learned much through my almost 5 years of infertility.  I hope to blog weekly about lessons I have learned about infertility.  I also hope in the future that I will have guest writers blog about the lessons that they have learned from infertility.  Enjoy the ride!


Lesson learned: 
Don't worry about what other people think and certainly don't let that stop you from doing something good!!!