Birds of a Feather Flock Together

One of the biggest issues I have run into with infertility is friends.

Let me clarify.

As members of the infertility “club” know, when finally feeling comfortable enough to tell friends about infertility, we don't always receive the most comforting responses.

“Just relax and go on a vacation. It'll happen after that.”

“You can adopt!”

“I know somebody that put adoption papers in and got pregnant right after that.”

“Pray harder.”

And the list goes on. Bless people's souls for attempting to say something comforting, but we have all heard some sort of response that makes us want to slap that person for acting like they know how to solve the problem.

They can't help it.

You being infertile is the closest some people will ever come to understanding what the life of an infertile person is all about.

And sometimes, that brings problems.

Some people will not know what to say to you anymore because they cannot relate to you. Some people will shower a little too much sympathy on you. Some people will avoid talking about certain topics around you because they don't know how you will react. And thank goodness for those few souls that treat you just the same as before, yet also somehow figure out the balance of being a support to you in those times when you are feeling especially low about your situation.

And then they have kids.

For me, I have grown up with a religion that strongly focuses on families, which is great. I believe that the family needs to be the strongest unit in the world. Without the family unit, our world will collapse.

But, when everyone else is having kids, and you are not, conversations become a lot more awkward. You find you have nothing to talk about anymore because you are almost in “a different stage” in life than your friends. They have 3 kids and want to talk about “mommy” things and you have no kids and don't know anything about “mommy” things. You find that over time, you lose contact with these people simply because you don't know how to interact with them anymore.

This rang true for me last week when my husband and I went to a barbecue at someone's house from our church. They had also invited two other couples, so there were four of us. Two out of the four couples had kids, and the other two couples did not have kids. I was in the kitchen throwing something away at some point and the other wife of the couple with no kids asked if we wanted to play games sometime because it would be easier with couples that “didn't have kids.”

Though I didn't want to be in that “don't have kids” category, I understood what she was saying. Though it is possible, it is hard to form a lasting friendship with those in different situations than we are just because we have a hard time understanding each others situations.

When I learn that someone is struggling with infertility or has struggled with infertility in the past, I automatically feel a bond with them even though I may not know them yet. Even if that person has somehow overcome the infertility problem and has kids, they know how to interact with you. They know what is appropriate to say and they know how much they should talk to you about your situation.

These are the people we generally “flock” with.

Interestingly enough, as I have struggled with infertility, I have started to see the world from a different perspective. Though I don't understand all trials and afflictions that people go through, I am a lot slower to judge and a lot more careful about what I say to people and how I treat them. When I look at the world in this perspective, I find that it is easier for me to find friends and “bond” with them. It is definitely a learning process, but I am grateful that infertility has taught me to slow down a little bit to understand what people around me are going through.

Lesson learned: 

Slow down and try to put yourself in the shoes of the people that are suffering around you. You may find that you have more in common with them than you thought.